Prioritizing Relationship and Family Health: A Balanced Approach
In the complex world of family dynamics and relationships, understanding how to prioritize needs can be a game-changer. Today, we delve into a topic that often stirs strong emotions and sparks deep reflection: the prioritization of needs within a marriage or partnership and family. At the bottom of this post, you'll find a relationship assessment to help you evaluate how well you are prioritizing your relationship amidst the demands of family life.
The Hierarchy of Needs in a Healthy Partnership or Marriage
In a thriving marriage or partnership, understanding and respecting the hierarchy of needs is crucial. This hierarchy can be summarized as follows:
Individual Needs
Partner's Needs
Financial Health
Children's Needs
Let's break down each of these priorities and understand why they are structured this way and what happens if they are not.
1. Individual Needs and Health
Your well-being is the foundation upon which everything else is built. If you are not physically, emotionally, and mentally healthy, it becomes challenging to support your partner and family effectively. Self-care is not selfish; it's essential. This includes:
Regular exercise and a balanced diet
Mental health care, such as therapy or meditation
Pursuing personal interests and hobbies
Ensuring adequate rest and relaxation
What Happens if Neglected: Neglecting individual needs can lead to burnout, resentment, and a lack of energy to invest in your partner and family. This can create a ripple effect, negatively impacting your relationships and family dynamics.
2. Partner's Needs
Once your individual needs are met, the next priority is your partner. A strong, healthy relationship between partners is the cornerstone of a healthy family. Take the relationship priority assessment at the end of this post to see how well you prioritize your partner’s needs. Prioritizing your partner involves:
Open and honest communication
Regular quality time together
Mutual respect and support
Shared goals and values
What Happens if Neglected: If the partner's needs are not prioritized, the relationship can suffer from a lack of intimacy, communication breakdowns, and increased conflict. This can create an unstable environment for the entire family, including the children.
What Happens if Partner's Needs are Prioritized First: If you prioritize your partner's needs above your own, you may neglect your health and well-being. This can lead to resentment and burnout, ultimately harming the relationship you are trying to prioritize. It's essential to find a balance where both partners' needs are met without sacrificing individual well-being.
3. Financial Health
Financial stability is crucial for reducing stress and providing security for your family. This doesn't mean accumulating wealth but rather managing resources wisely. Key aspects include:
Budgeting and saving
Planning for future expenses
Reducing debt
Making informed financial decisions
What Happens if Neglected: Neglecting financial health can lead to chronic stress, arguments over money, and instability. Financial insecurity can strain relationships and create an environment of anxiety and uncertainty, which can affect everyone in the family.
What Happens if Financial Health is Prioritized First: If financial health is prioritized above individual and partner needs, it can lead to a work-centric lifestyle where personal and relational well-being are sacrificed for financial gain. This can result in emotional distance, lack of intimacy, and overall dissatisfaction in family relationships, including your marriage and connection with children. Financial health should support, not overshadow, personal and relational well-being.
4. Children's Needs
This is often the most contentious point. Placing children's needs fourth means that they are not more important than you or your relationship with your partner, and it does not mean neglecting them. On the contrary, it means ensuring that you and your partner are solid and stable enough to provide the best care possible. Here's what it does and does not mean:
What It Means:
Providing a loving, secure environment
Meeting their physical, emotional, and educational needs
Being present and engaged in their lives
Making sure you and your partner are in a good place before giving them the support or attention they need
Having boundaries and not allowing your children to dictate the course of your life and relationship
What It Does Not Mean:
Ignoring or neglecting their needs
Putting your needs above theirs in a way that harms them
Failing to provide necessary support and guidance
Blaming them for your life and/or relationship struggles
Forcing them to parent themselves and be self-sufficient before they are developmentally ready
What Happens if Children's Needs are Prioritized First: If children's needs are prioritized above all else, it can lead to parental burnout and neglect of the marital relationship. This can create a dynamic where the parents are constantly exhausted, disconnected, feeling isolated and unwanted, which ultimately affects the children negatively as well. Children benefit most from a stable, loving environment where parents are healthy and connected.
The Role of Spirituality and Religious Faith
For those who value spirituality or follow a religious faith, placing God or a higher power at the center of your priorities can provide guidance and strength. Living according to religious doctrine and covenant can offer a sense of purpose and direction. This involves:
Regular spiritual or relgious practices, such as prayer or meditation
Seeking wisdom and support from your faith community
Aligning your actions with your spiritual values
What Happens if Neglected: For those who value spirituality or follow a religious faith, neglecting this aspect can lead to a sense of disconnection and lack of purpose. It can also result in the abandonment of covenants and commitments central to their faith practice, leading to feelings of isolation and spiritual emptiness.
What Happens if Spiritual Needs are Prioritized First: While faith and spirituality are vital, over-reliance on spiritual practices to the exclusion of practical and relational needs can create an imbalance. It's important to integrate spiritual practices in a way that enhances, rather than detracts from, personal and relational well-being. For instance, relying solely on prayer without seeking medical or psychological help when needed can be detrimental. Balancing faith with practical actions ensures a holistic approach to well-being.
Relationship Priority Assessment
Answer the 18 questions below with “True” or “False” to get a feel for how much you keep your partner in your thoughts, words, and actions. Add up the amount of “True” responses you gave. This is your score. Compare your score with the assessment scale below. Note: The terms spouse, partner, and significant other are used interchangeably. Please use what fits with you.
True or False: I know very well what makes my partner feel like #1 in my life, and I make sure to check in to make sure they are happy.
True or False: Though it’s okay to disagree about parenting, I don’t openly disagree with my spouse in front of the kids, grandkids, or others.
True or False: In my personal life, I spend more time interacting with my spouse than anyone else.
True or False: If I’m with my significant other and someone else calls, I usually don’t take the call.
True or False: When something significant happens in my life, my spouse is almost always the first person I want to share it with.
True or False: When I plan to go out with my partner without the kids, grandkids, or others, I don’t feel guilty when I inform the kids, or others.
True or False: Work is not more important than my spouse, and I always look for balance in my work life and marriage.
True or False: My spouse and I have personal and authentic conversations at least once a week, often 20-30 minutes or longer.
True or False: I spend more time with my spouse than I do on social media, texting others, playing video games, or watching shows.
True or False: My children, grandchildren, or others feel loved and a priority, but they also know they do not come before my spouse.
True or False: I don’t let my child, grandchild, or others play one parent against the other; we stay a united team in our parenting and marriage.
True or False: I rarely change plans I've made with my spouse because the kids, grandkids, or others want something that interferes.
True or False: My spouse and I take a vacation or trip (can be small or large) alone once a year.
True or False: Our kids, grandkids, or others know they cannot interrupt us; they will need to wait when my spouse and I are having a conversation.
True or False: Throughout my week, I go out of my way to do unnecessary things that I know make my spouse feel loved.
True or False: My spouse and I have a private date night at least 2-3 times a month.
True or False: My spouse and I seek out and nourish our common interests and personal dreams, which might or might not necessarily center around the kids, grandkids, or others.
True or False: We read books, attend seminars, see a marriage counselor and/or spiritual mentor, and put time into growing personally and in our marriage.
General Scale:
Add up the amount of “True” responses you gave and review the scale below for feedback:
1-9 LOW INVESTMENT: Your protection of the marriage is low to non-existent.
10-14 AVERAGE INVESTMENT: You'll want to put in more effort, especially if you're in repair mode.
15-18 STRONG INVESTMENT: You're clearly fighting for your relationship. Consider sharing what you've learned with others.
Conclusion
Balancing the needs within a marriage and family is no easy task, but understanding and respecting this hierarchy can lead to a healthier, happier family life. Remember, prioritizing your partner and your own well-being does not mean neglecting your children. It means creating a strong, stable environment where everyone can thrive.
We invite you to reflect on these priorities and consider how they apply to your own family dynamics. If you need support in navigating these complexities, our counseling practice is here to help. Together, we can build a foundation for lasting love and happiness.
Thank you for reading. We look forward to supporting you on your journey to a healthier, more balanced family life.
This article was produced with the assistance of artificial intelligence, enhancing our commitment to delivering insightful content.
Source: Assessment adapted from original provided by Dr. Rachel Glik in their blog post: Should Kids Come First? Keeping Your Marriage Strong While Raising a Family
